From The Brooklyn Daily Eagle: Brooklyn-Queens Expressway panel delivers long-awaited recommendations by Mary Frost, January 31, 2020
Our glorious People's Rulers have devised a magnificent new plan to rebuild the aging Brooklyn-Queens Expressway in such a way as to reduce traffic by removing a lane of traffic. Now to the uninspired simpleton, not intellectually and politically advanced enough to comprehend this plan would make the atrociously insipid argument that removing a lane of traffic would increase and greatly slow traffic on the remaining two lanes. Absolutely not! For as our cosmically intelligent liberal betters have long since known that as building an extra lane on highways causes more cars to spontaneously appear through mechanical abiogenesis, then the contrary must be true that eliminating a lane from the highway will cause cars and trucks to be spontaneously annihilated.
A BQE Panel formed by Our Most Wise and Benevolent Ruler, Mayor de Blasio under the astute leadership of Carlo Scissura has definitively stated that this shall be a monumental improvement in traffic flow as it will allow broken down vehicles or ones involved in a traffic accident a shoulder upon which to await response of the appropriate officials. The return of both way tolls with high speed E-ZPass on the Verrazzano Bridge instead of one double toll with high speed E-ZPass would reduce traffic by some technical means that are so advanced that only Mr. Scissura and his high priests in the construction industry could fathom it. Thus, is the definitive ex-cathedra pronouncement on the matter. All other ideas submitted by the lower orders of the community were summarily disposed of in the circular file amidst some Jovian mirth.
Our masters should be given praise for being gracious enough to at least pretend that they cared what the filthy peasant masses thought and allowed the simpering fools to place their hopelessly simplistic ideas at the feet of their betters. The Official Plan is absolutely the best and shall work flawlessly because our betters have decreed it.
It should not cause any suspicion of a vested interest whatsoever that Mr. Scissura is the president and CEO of the New York Building Congress, an advocacy and lobbying group for the construction industry. That this fellow would be taking a 1.5 mile repair project and ridiculously expanding it to a unnecessary gargantuan project only so he and his buddies in the industry can reap an obscene fortune through crony-capitalism. There should be no censorious conspiracy theories that this is just a crony capitalist and politically powerful construction union feeding frenzy of public monies. The aging 1.5 mile section of the BQE is really in need of repair and it is absolutely necessary to re-construct the entire BQE to make it a 2 lane highway because.... you know.... reasons and stuff, save the planet from global weather change, prevent the return of Noah's flood (as Gaia is wroth at us), the sustainable eco-friendly thingie and more. Why, the whole blasted thing absolutely must be "re-thought", "re-imagined", and "re-worked" not to make consultant fees and allow for politically connected groups to perform endless publicly financed environmental impact, feasibility and planning studies. Not to allow more activist and lobbyist snouts in the public trough to feed for the decades it would take to complete this behemoth masterpiece, if it is ever really and finally completed, that is. But this is because they can and because our betters said it is necessary and this is all we ignorant, unwashed peasants need to know. To say anything else would be as rude and uncouth as casting aspersions of corruption upon this paragon of wisdom and virtue, our dear leader, Mayor de Blasio and our world-famous super-competent, honest and corruption-free city government.(please clap)
Nothing can contradict the official narrative of higher leftist moral truths and progressive canon as any truths based on objective reality are mere conspiracy theories promulgated by naughty rightwing badthinkers even if backed up by facts. Facts and objective reality, sir, are the devil's playthings.
Sunday, February 9, 2020
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