Tuesday, July 26, 2022

Take That, You Naughty Americans! The Triumph of the Salty Copium Eaters! Cope Hard!

To the Lotus Eaters: Gentlemen, love the Podcast of the Lotus Eaters but in this particular podcast, you're making this far too easy for me to make japes at your expense at this display of mis-placed national pride. Presenting an argument with so many holes in it and with such selective framing and leaving out, at least to you, embarrassing historical details that would negate your entire thesis. To the point of rendering it a farcical display of cope with how your people completely blew your once great empire and are now forced to endure the indignity of living in America's shadow. So much so that perhaps this is just comedy as I did get a few good chuckles over it. But if you're serious, this is nothing less than a pitiful exercise in whining and blaming others for your mistakes. Embarrassing, gentlemen, poor show. So much so, that I'm embarrassed for you. But fear not, for after I've had my druthers in unsealing a tin of whup-ass upon you to let the punishment fit the crime all the while enjoying some innocent merriment at your expense, I shall be magnanimous afterwards because I really do like you guys.

Yes America did import black Africans as slaves mostly while British colonies though. Wasn't it from about 1607 to 1776? Versus 1776 to 1865? Or did we conveniently forget that trifling little factoid? I know: Oh but the British outlawed the international slave trade, my dear boy! Yes and after how long of running it? Doesn't matter as how the Empire had its come to Jesus moment in 1833 and so all is forgiven and forgotten. Hands washed clean and fingers firmly pointed at the Americans. Huzzah!

And for how long did Britain keep the workhouses going or should we not speak of it as perhaps being a form of slavery that lingered into the early 20th century or kinda sorta not because workers were indeed fairly compensated for their labour with food and lodgings? Well, that's besides the point, old boy! It doesn't count after all because it was almost all poor white people and we're talking about black African slavery here and the rotten mess you Americans made of racism. It's perfectly okay to enslave and mistreat one's own people but never those of BAME as that would be uncouth. And as the selective amnesia Brits set the rules, the Brits win again. Huzzah! The Nepenthe Eaters triumph!

But with open immigration being a uniquely American thing and that those rascal Yanks (why do you keep blaming baseball players?) foisted upon you, so when did the Windrush thing welcoming Jamaican blacks with open arms happen? After 1965 with the Hart-Celler Immigration act? Why no, old bean, it was in 1948! Like during the time you Brits were constantly scolding us on how mean we were to blacks and mostly closed to immigration since the 1920's. Why look at you in 1948, so inclusive! Or perhaps in the early 1960's making films in Arabic inviting Muslims to come to Britain because you were so tolerant. Unlike us Americans, of course. And when did you start importing South Asians and allowed them to live among their own in ethnic enclaves? Well the tea-eaters may have done open immigration and tolerance of non-European people of colour before the Americans but it's still all us bloody American's fault as why should you take the blame for your own mistakes. Huzzah! The Amnesia Eaters win because they said so! Victory is yours! *slow clap*

But now, gentlemen of the Lotus Eaters, being in a generous mood fed by my amusement at taking the mickey out of you, and I shan't get into why you had a mouse inside you in the first place, but I shall provide you with the least cringe inducing excuse for this current mess that is closest to the truth that still grants you a spectacular triumph in being right:

(Start with characteristic English harumph) "Now see here, old sock, well yes we did start all that poppycock about women in high office, honoring gay men, open immigration with multiculturalism, showing lady's boobs on the telly and our page 3 girl, and all that all the while wagging our finger at you backwards, puritanical Americans. Well, yes, we did turn a blind eye to noncery since the swinging 60's. But for God's sake, we never thought you'd be mad enough to do all those silly things! And then to export our foolishness back to us, oh the bloody cheek!

We never meant for you American louts to do any of the things we said you should do in the 60's through the 80's. Why, we were just doing our British superiority dance, old thing which is kind of a palias glide whilst doing pelvic thrusts in your general direction. Just to keep up appearances, stiff upper lip and maintain the delusion that the English are better than you Yanks so necessary for our sanity. [Interjection: Sorry boys, you'd have to win more than 27 World Series rings to get there.] What bloody fool would do what we Brits, much less the French or other Europeans told them to do, as at least since Dunkirk even a blind man could see what incompetents we are! And the other Europeans are worse than we and one would have to be a complete odious, burke to listen to them as you've done. For heaven's sake, we own goaled ourselves as we blew our empire to pieces so hard the damned ball went up our arses. I doubt you Americans can appreciate just how much finesse is required to bungle something on such an epic scale let alone get a football lodged in such awkward location whilst making it look like child's play. Pure talent that, sonny Jim.

And not to mention how we almost accidently started World War III over the Suez Canal incident, pretty well irradiated ourselves with that Windrush thing, wretched American gadgets, made a complete hash out of honey trapping a Soviet military attache which ended up in the Profumo affair. How daft can you people be to let us have nukes as you know we'll most likely blow ourselves up with them? And you lot were taking notes on our social criticisms. Have you learned nothing from when Tony Blair told you Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction hidden in his trousers and you to this day still take his slimy counsel as wisdom? What bloody lunatic listens to Tony Blair as even we have wits enough not to listen to him!

So you see, chaps, this really is all your fault as you twits took all our utter folly and nonsense seriously and made it a reality for yourselves as we had long ago done to ourselves. I mean socialism. Who would be stupid enough to try that? Besides us and the Europeans. Ah, you Americans, of course because we told you to. And as for our Lotus Eaters subtle snide remarks about Americans, we've earned, earned I say, this right, you see. Imagine the shame we had to endure to come begging, sorry, I mean manfully asking, for help against Hitler in a war we could perhaps have done a better job of not letting happen in the first place. Mind you, not that we couldn't have beaten him ourselves, sans lend-lease, the money, the spam, the weapons and whatnot even after leaving all our equipment in Dunkirk, because we would somehow by reasons and suchlike. But then you bounders take another bloody year to get in the war and afterwards expect us to pay back our loans when you know we're scint wastrels. Dash it all, you were over here, overpaid and oversexed, taking our birds and making us look underpaid and undersexed and to top it all off, under Eisenhower. Is it any wonder we Brits grouse endlessly about you Yanks? But remember, we still had one over on you cheeky Americans. We had George Formby and all you lot had was Glenn Miller, so HA! You shall never best us in in being gormless.

Imagine now how we feel when you Yank go about inventing the aeroplane, binary digital computers, the microprocessor, and other gadgets and put men on the moon when we Brits only had Lucas Electrics and are foxed by the coffee machine at Prete a Manger. But we here in the UK invented the Butlins so top that! Now how do you think we English feel when we, your mother country, the galaxy's oldest democracy, the older and more advanced civilization in debauchery and decadence have to live in your economic and technological shadow? And then to add insult to injury, you exceed us in debauchery and decadence. How could you! You could have at least left leadership in debauchery and decadence to your poor, old, mother country, you ungrateful scamps!
Now then, we Brits have indeed earned the right to grouse about Americans and make any assortment of snide remarks to make ourselves feel better about being second rate. So take that!"

As promised, I do hope this helps you cope in a better, more stylish way, gentlemen and of course, I shall remain at your disposal should you require further, discreet assistance in this matter.

Your Most Obedient Servant
Donald Cavaioli

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