The Magic King Approaches! or How I learned to stop thinking and love the Russian Federation

Not being properly schooled in gnostic mysticism from the scriptures and prophesies of Evola, I can't fully understand mechanics of how the Magic King will ascend to his throne but maybe there are certain signs that will herald the approach of this messiah. 

Unfortunately, I can't read those signs either so I'll just listen to those more learned in these matters and LO!, our aetherial majesty approacheth! Recent events such as the war in Ukraine may have revealed the Magic King, and most of the right and trans-right have anointed him the Latter Day Prester John- Vladimir Putin the implacable foe of badness and puter of wrong things right.

With the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the subsequent support of of the latter by the entire woke establishment, the only acceptable and correct position of the official true right, not to be confused with Conservatism Inc. of the NRO, is to support the Russian Federation. The reasons given for not supporting the current thing are elucidated in grim detail in this previous post. In short, it's all emotional and mostly concern what a rat, corrupt piece of shit and spawn of the devil Volodymyr Zelensky is. 

How does the Magic King manifest? Let's break it down: Zelensky represents in one person the whole of the globohomo cabal, an American Empire puppet, a Nazi and of course, a jooo. Obviously, the Azov Battalion Nazis are so much more open minded these days about Jews being the president of their country and, this ain't your granddad's NSDAP. Or maybe the mid 20th century German Nazis were really some kind of Jewish and American Empire secret conspiracy to take over Europe because the devils are always cunningly evil. Therefore, all the problems in Europe (the UK included as Europe) aren't really from Europeans making bad decisions at the ballot box, but are really the fault of the Americans, you know. There's CIA color revolutions, Vicky Nuland, and Barry Obama's shenanigans, all evil conspiracies against the forces of good, and did I mention Zelensky is a corrupt asshole too. 

All valid reasons for Russia violating the Budapest Memorandum because as we all know, treaties and other international agreements are contingent on the leader of a country involved being a great guy. Then if there's any rumor of CIA involvement in anything bad, then it must be true because America is evil. If America supports Zelensky and Ukraine, then Zelensky and the Ukraine are evil too.

So this segment of the right, like the left, falls into the angels and devils dichotomy. The devil is always lies, is always evil and even if the devil says something that is true or does something that may be objectively good, it is really lies and evil.

Here, in this model of "thought", as the Zelensky devil is a highly ranked prince of hell, this angel opposing him must be equally powerful and thus our Magic King.

But true to leftist emotional form, human beings have no moral agency but only a fixed, immutable nature. Therefore, the angels and devils dichotomy holds true. The devil is always evil and always lies. So even if the devil does something that appears good or somehow tells the truth, it's really an evil action and the truth is summarily dismissed as a lie. Then whoever opposes the devil must be the angel and the angel is all good and never lies. But even if the angel does something appears evil or lies, it's for a good reason and excused. Nor is it a lie if you look at it from the proper perspective and omit certain uncomfortable facts as the devil's lies. 

Here in the Russian invasion of Ukraine, The Magic King Putin, the angel, is always good and never lies and Zelensky, the devil, is always evil and always lies. Trust RTN's pronouncements and ignore the Ukrainians as they're just too stupid to realize that they are really pawns fighting a proxy war on behalf of the American Empire and NATO aggression. America fights to the last Ukrainian, as the vatniks love to say, in America's insane desire to destroy Russia because reasons and stuff. Or rather, the devil is outraged by good and must destroy it because that's just the devil's thing.

Even if examples of this NATO aggression against Russia or even a military buildup in NATO countries could not be seen in mundane reality and only 5 Russian invasions of 3 neighboring countries appear to our lying eyes, we must believe Russia. Even if there were no physical threats, western countries definitely said mean things to Putin and severely hurt the Magic King's feelings and offended God which is not only sacrilege tantamount to physical assault but deserves physical aggression in retaliation. Let it be noted as aggression purely as defense against a threat firmly supported by spectral evidence. So Russia and Putin are the real victims here! Believe this only because Putin said so and the Magic King never lies. 

It's amazing though, how Putin can be at the same time a galaxy brain master strategist with the most fantastic high tech weaponry on Earth winning a war, any day now, to being a victim of the malefactors of the west, fighting 50 countries at the same time and only managing a stalemate. 

Yes, don't think too much about this war or special operation of guys with guns to protect Russia against Nazi ghosts and invisible NATO troops. Just believe Putin is the Magic King and follow the Russians. Know only that the American CIA serpent in the form of Zelensky entered the Russian garden of Maidan and corrupted some Russians into imagining they're some made up thing called Ukrainians. Then the serpent caused them to commit the sin of insurrection against their rightful sovereign, his sacred majesty Putin, who rules by divine right, and commit fratricide against their Russian brothers. Just like Caine and Able. 

If this is too much squaring the circle, (or rather circling of the square, 'cause we're the not-left right.) nonsense to swallow and one anywhere on the right wants to keep the friendship and goodwill of the trans-right, NRX crowd, etc. (because they're the edgy, cool guys?) then the counter-programmed "I'm against the current thing" NPC will see us through.

As an aside, to sum up the politically correct official right position, it's not that the Ukraine was and is a separate country and Ukrainians are fighting for their country against invading Russians in violation of the Budapest Memorandum. But it's the apocalyptic battle of the Magic King's forces of nationalist good against the American Empire's EU globohomo NATO trans-nationalists forces of evil. Or rather a strong-man nationalist dictator that gets all the boys and girls of the not-left right all hot and bothered, taking the empire that is his by divine right. 

Well, certainly not a rhetorical battle between the dysphoric, nationalist left who identify as the right and the Marxian left that those on the unenlightened, heretical, right like myself imagine it to be. But a battle to usher in a NRX wet dream of very small, self-contained, isolationist countries ruled by wise and benevolent absolute monarchs. Magic Kings, princes and hereditary aristocrats wearing super cool uniforms while riding horses and all the fancy pomp and pageantry to the gaping amazement of their properly subservient peasants.

And who says you can't immanentize the eschaton?

Donald Cavaioli

The Magic King

 

What seems to be driving much of the dissident right movement is a belief that democracy has failed, the U.S. constitution has failed. We cannot vote our way out of our current problems as the uniparty puts forward all the candidates and will somehow stop insurgents from running or that we shouldn't even bother to try. Vote harder is used as a mocking sneer against anyone who would try from the passivists wallowing in their own sense of helplessness.

So the best thing to do is nothing, except perhaps form some kind of monastic alternative institutions to await the arrival of a messianic figure, the Great Man. He will then be crowned as an absolute monarch, the Magic King, God's very own hand picked monarch who rules by divine right and will act in his people's best interest because he's that kind of a great guy. Then the Magic King will defeat the leftist globalists and globohomo of the evil American Empire and fix everything for us just the way the neo/reactionary dissidents would like it because the King and all his descendants can do nothing other than care for his people and nation. I mean, he just has to do these things and be a great guy 'cause it's some kind of law of the universe! 

This is the sort of thinking is characteristic of peasants dreaming of ideal, strongman kings, looking uber cool riding horses while wearing spiffy uniforms. Middle class strivers who having never broken into the ranks of the current ruling class, yet still view themselves as undervalued '10's'. The sort of strivers who dream of being proclaimed kings and ruling class aristocrats because they're so awesome even if no one else notices how awesome they are. Or perhaps latent homosexuals or submissive women with a BDSM fetish for being dominated by powerful alpha males. No judgements here, to each his own, you do you, etc. but outrè or kinky fantasies are no basis for a form of government.  

This belief in a benevolent monarch is pure magical thinking, a child-like belief in a Utopia. Magic King supporters believe absolute monarchy was destroyed by the evil forces of the Enlightenment. Some devil came along and seduced the peasants with the rights of man and self-governance causing them to be expelled from the feudal Eden. A similar line of thinking to neo-confederates who believe in a utopian antebellum America in general and the south in particular which became a paradise lost when the serpent, Abraham Lincoln, entered the garden and seduced the innocents into eating the forbidden fruit of abolition. But, the Magic King, like a messiah, will return during the apocalyptic collapse of liberal democracy and lead us back to Utopia. So who says you shouldn't immanentize the eschaton?

The fallacy in this 'absolute monarch is good' reasoning is how will this king's actions be constrained? How will God intercede if the king who rules by divine right does not rule according to God's laws or oppresses the people over which the monarch rules? How do we even know that the King rules by divine right unless God Himself appears and personally announces this to the masses. Must we take the Magic King's word for it because he wouldn't lie about something as serious as divine right? God's appearance and declaration to the people that this king is God's personally chosen monarch has never been recorded in history so all we ever have had was the king's word on this or the headsman, also chosen by divine right it seems, for those who disagreed. 

Usually throughout history, the man who becomes the king does so because he leads a large and powerful enough army to seize power at the point of a sword and declares himself a monarch by divine right because the king and his army said so. And for anyone who questions this divine right, there's a group of very angry looking soldiers at the front door whose swords would like a word with you, unarmed and outnumbered peasant. Men who are ambitious and want power usually don't fall into the real nice guy camp and whatever benevolence they have is used sparingly and tactically to maintain control but only if necessary. But that benevolence towards the peasantry at least, can always be rescinded at the whim of the king and he answers to no one in this. The armed aristocracy of lords with their own armies, if there are any in the realm, is another matter. Power flows from the barrel of a gun and from nowhere else.

If it is in the king's best interests to rule justly and benevolently over his subjects whom he will treat as his own children, then what stops the king from conflating his own greed or avarice with the best interests of his kingdom and treating his subjects like his livestock. How many peasants were annihilated by machinegun fire as they went over the top of the trenches in WWI for King and Country and how many times were these massacres repeated?  

Even if the first king of the dynasty is a wise and benevolent ruler, what guarantee is there that his descendants would be the same? The answer to this is there is no guarantee and worse, as long as a large enough army supports the king against all other pretenders to the throne, he will stay in power no matter how bad he is. If in the event he is ousted, then what guarantee is there that his successor will be any better? There are none. Which is why this support for an absolute monarch is based on nostalgic fantasies, wishful thinking and an emotional desire for an earthly messianic savior to guide those helpless and hapless peasants to an imaginary utopia.

Finally, the main thing the absolute monarch/Magic King fans miss is that the problem with any previously functional society does not stem from the flaws in the organizational principles of the society but the flaws in all human beings who make up that society. If Man, unconstrained by some power higher than himself even if it's his fellow Man, is given unconstrained, absolute power, then nothing prevents him from being corrupted by or abusing that power. We can place the Magic King in the same category as the new socialist man. Neither model fits within normal human behavior and so both are impossible.

For those who might find this post upsetting, this is not "punching to the right". This Magic King is very much on the political left as it advocates for a strong, authoritarian, top down centrally managed government based around an ideology- rule by divine right usually in Christendom. This makes reactionaries/neo-reactionaries, et al, who claim the mantle of the right, the very model of the political dysphoria of leftists in right wing drag. Words have a definition, concepts based on logic and reason and this includes the definition of the political/economic left and the right. The political spectrum is a straight line with increasing shading of left and right emanating from the center. Any other shape with conventions arbitrarily placed on it is simply nonsense used by post modernists and closeted leftists to hide themselves under whatever side or label they like.

Donald Cavaioli

Happy Fourth of July

 Today is not the day for anything other than celebration so happy 4th everyone!

Be back tomorrow.

The Political Dysphoria of the Trans-Right

 Over the 20th century, Marxists have been successful in establishing themselves as not only the standard bearer of the left, but the very definition of the left itself. Then most other non-Marxist leftists, having accepted the supremacy of Marxism found themselves politically homeless. Many of them being fundamentally post-modernist relied on their tried and true gnostic belief in unknowable truths to redefine themselves as the right. Because after all, in these modern times, the old definition of right and left no longer applies as they argue. There is no right or left as it's now us guys over here on our side of the great debate who think this and those other guys over there who think something else. So if we disagree with the other guys who say they are the left as they understand the term through the personal epiphany of gnosis, then we who disagree with the leftist must be on the right in this exercise. If a group can't define themselves logically and rationally, then that group can fancy themselves to be anything they want but they are really nothing at all. 

And so we have the essence of the trans-right of non-Marxian leftists parading about in right-wing drag. They are easily spotted as they usually spend most of their time bashing conservatives and others on the right and refuse to do anything to really oppose the left other than mildly complain about them. 

And in this, all the trans-right needs to add is using nationalism as a sort of boob job to complete the ensemble. Because, if the Marxian leftist is an internationalist, the those on the right must be nationalist as the right is the opposite of the left.

Further, where the officially recognized leftist is the "I support the current thing" NPC, those who identify as being on the right become a counter-programmed "I'm against the current thing" NPC. Even if there's no such thing as the political left and the right there must be some kind of opposition to those guys over there who think something different from what we think. 

Strictly following either the precepts of a central ideological authority or opposing those who espouse heretical or blasphemous positions for no other reason than it's the views that come from those guys who think different over there is the hallmark of the leftist even if he hates Marx and identifies as a nationalist.

It's all really just pure emoting over words and phrases. Squaring the circle by taking positions based on emotion is exactly what any leftist worth his salt does.

Whereas the leftist current thing is usually based on lies used to promote their agenda, we must still be careful to consider the current thing in context and whether it should be opposed or not based on the facts. Maybe this time the left stumbled onto something that is right because even a broken clock is right twice a day and it would be necessary to deny the left any victory. But not just to deny the left a victory in an issue that is morally and intellectually correct but to expose the left's subterfuge in using the issue to promote their agenda or expand their power. There is more persuasive power in an argument that is true to convince the majority centrist, non-political Joe and Jane Normie to support your cause than a lie hiding the nasty agenda even the normies can see. 

And mostly what the normies need to take a stand, to take action, is to feel that not only are they supporting a position that is justified and true and aligned with their values, but that there are many others out there who also support it. There is strength in numbers.

It's important to for anyone right of center to know who is really on their side and be able to spot and reject the trans-right infiltrator who wears the political right and nationalism like a skin suit to promote their non-Marxian leftist agendas. Just as the Marxian leftists did with liberalism and the Democratic party. Seeing a trend here? More on that in the next post. 

If the right is to have any hope of winning the political and cultural wars, then the non-Marxian leftists, like the left of center moderates and neo-cons must be, disavowed, rejected and expelled from the right. For as they are just as much the enemy as the Marxian leftists.

Donald Cavaioli

The Moral and Intellectual Cowardice of Moderates and Liberals

 In reference to an article posted in PoliticsNY titled-  

At Witts End: Citizen bounty hunters for parking infractions will sew discord

Written by Stephen Witt and posted October 14, 2022

Oh, Stephen, Stephen, to be at your Witt's end you would need to be more than a simple mid-wit which after sampling you columns, mid-wit may be a very generous compliment indeed.

First of all, to call Lincoln Restler an epic smooth brain moron would be grossly unfair and insulting to smooth brained morons everywhere. But surprisingly, to anyone who has the stomach to endure Restler's mind dwarfing verbal diarrhea and stoically endure the cacophony of brain cells screaming in agony as they die, they would be surprised to learn there are many more people more unspeakably vapid and more psychologically demented than Restler- his voters and the hybrid mutations of Transportation Alternatives.

Overall, this article simply highlights the fatuous posturing of moral superiority, of  taking the high road of "being above the fray" in pretending to take no sides all the while being sympathetic to the more radical leftist which illustrates why the moderate and liberal (1960's-70's mainstream variant) has failed. These sorts of weasels want to be seen as the good guys, the non-partisan, as if it would imbue them with some kind of magical intellectual and moral superiority. But in reality, they're sophists of the lowest order, desperate to be liked by both sides in a debate. Never once will a moderate or liberal put his foot down and say "this is right and that is wrong". Instead, this species of worm will answer the question of what do you think? with an "I think what you think but the other guy sorta has a point too". The last part of the other guy sorta has a point too is conditional on if the liberal or moderate thinks no one will so much as look at them with even a small trace of consternation for saying it. 

"In American politics we seem to be moving further to the extremes. Trying to reach the center and compromise is all too often shunned. It’s seen as somehow selling out. In truth, American politics at its best has always been about consensus building to make for the art of the possible."

That is, if the art of the possible is giving leftists only most of what they want for now and the rest of it later as the moderates and liberals that infest this city have proven wont to do over many years. If Rome wasn't built in a day, then this SDA wet dream of a mess made in this city took many years to get to- all with nice, well meaning, liberals and moderates finding this consensus and middle ground which always seemed to lurch slightly left. More important than asking what is possible is asking is this necessary or needed, should we do this and what are the consequences for doing so. And this is the reason why liberalism and moderation has failed in modern politics as they never ask those questions and offer nothing but banal platitudes that makes them useless at best. But when they either go along with the more radical leftist policies or refuse to oppose them with more than tepid objections, they become radical enablers and are worse than useless. Because of this, these are the people who are the most responsible for the asinine progressive leftist policies destroying New York offering only their incessant whining about the growing left-right political divide and all because they'd be mortified to really oppose or stop the Democratic Socialists of America or other leftists lest they be called racists or Trump supporters. In this, liberals and moderates sell out all the time.

"But their [the progressive bike lobby] often heavy-handedness on issues and mob-like tactics on social media can be viewed as a microcosm of what is wrong with American politics today. Too often we get activists and elected leadership from both the right and the left thinking it’s all their way or the highway. The palette is all black and white with no colors in the middle."

They will inevitably damn the right with faint praise and make the mildest criticism against the left for which they will do so either with conditional weasel words or find a flimsy excuse for the damage the left has caused. But still trying to be that "I'm above it all" galaxy brain, Olympian cool poser with a pox on both your houses sneer which is their epic failure at trying to look intelligent and showing some backbone. Sometimes, even many times, there is a real good and bad/right and wrong/smart or stupid idea when we must have the courage to take that black and white response and get some idiot upset. This is where real courage, common sense and intelligence come in and a position in which liberals and moderates are never found.

"While critical, this column is not a put down per se of the progressive bike lobby. They have accomplished many good things for the city. Protected bike lanes and other changes that make streets more equitably utilized are generally very positive improvements."

Then too, the moderate or liberal when ever so gently criticizing the more radical left will offer some apology for that criticism or the sheepish "I kind of agree with the leftist but personally I'm not that radical and wouldn't go with that myself" all the while doing nothing to stop it. For no matter how "not that radical" the liberal and moderate may be, they never find the courage to actually oppose it with more than oleaginous milquetoast words.

In the end this is because, to paraphrase Wittaker Chambers that the liberal thinks the communist is really a rather noble fellow who deserves special consideration in a harsh and reactionary world. Then as the slimy poltroons pretending not to be the co-conspirator of the communists, moderates and liberals are worse than the most woke or SJW twats and so deserve the harshest condemnation and censure.

In regards to the Bike Karen bounty bill that greasy asshole Restler introduced, it died a well deserved death in the city council. Even that collection of leftist dementrons in the city council still had enough functioning cells in those neural junkyards that serve as their head filler to dimly realize just how idiotic that bill was. An accident in our favor for once.

Donald Cavaioli

We're all Americans Except When We're Not.

Our Glorious Managerial Overlords never tire of telling us that from whatever corner of the world one comes from and as soon as they step off the plane or boat or what have you, they are just as American as any person of European Christian descent whose ancestry goes back to the colonial era. Or any similar whose ancestors immigrated and assimilated since. In fact, to disagree with a white progressive liberal on this is blasphemy and punishable as a hate crime. 

And as such the newcomer, whatever his race or religion must be accorded all the respect and hailed as a fellow American especially if he steadfastly refuses to assimilate to the local American culture as soon as his foot touches US soil. The newcomers, as the progressive liberal religion permits, is only an honest-to-goodness, mom, Chevrolet and apple pie American when it's convenient for them and may retain their own ethnicity when it's advantageous. And thus, they demand respect as both at the same time. A cynic would accuse such newcomers of gaming the system to their advantage while thoroughly fucking over their "fellow Americans" and openly laughing at us as they do so. 

But this isn't the fault of the newcomers but the fault of the native born Americans who allow themselves to be taken advantage of. The Joe and Jane Normies who believed all the pretty lies of liberals and allowed themselves to be led around by the nose by SJW and woke oikophobic mutants. The peasants who vote Democrat because "dere for da woikin' guy". Then too, out of fond memories of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, our very own Dark Lord, Darth Decrepit, and stupid enough to believe FDR was their friend. Keep voting Democrat and some day, the Democrats will come back to them but in the mean time, they'll cry and complain about it in the comments section on such local sites as Queenscrap, under anonymous, of course. But come election time, they will crawl off on their bellies and vote back in the same politicians they were bitching about the day before because he's really a great guy and everyone else is an idiot for voting for their corrupt, douchebag politician. It's not their fault, it's the other guy! The punchline is that nobody can ever figure out why things keep getting worse or in the best case, never change. Welcome to Hotel Queens.

Here is a cute little article from Gotham Gazette that illustrates this "I demand to be accepted and respected as an American and I'm still my own ethnicity, demand special privileges and must be respected even more for that" mentality:

Party Primaries in Brooklyn Race for New City Council 'Asian Opportunity District' Come Down to the Wire, June 22, 2023 by Samar Khurshid and Julia Goldberg

So we're all good Americans except when we're not and we must only be represented by our own people as the newcomers, who have formed their own exclusive ethnic colonies and cannot be represented anyone else. Gerrymandering is needed to assure the political integrity of the colony and that the colonists need not have to endure an outsider elected doling out the largess but one of their own to properly loot the public treasury. Not to dunk only on the Asians here, and again, I'm not dunking on any immigrants for playing by our rules, but all the other ethnic colonies are doing it so why not this group as well? If we the people are stupid enough to let them do it, then we deserve to be looted and even worse.

 Of course, for white Americans of the sort who were born and raised here, we must accept having elected politicians of any other race or ethnicity rule over them and like it as second class citizens in their own country. If we don't respect ourselves enough to reject this, silence and send the liberal and other leftist mutants back to the fringes of society where they belong, then we deserve nothing but contempt from the immigrants. Freedom of association and freedom of opinions or choice are strictly forbidden by the woke puritans and we obey and listen to their insipid prattle and lies. This isn't simply hypocrisy, as blatant as it is, but grotesque colonialism and imperialism on such a level that doublethink alone cannot assimilate it, but a full frontal lobotomy followed by enough electroshock treatments to fry whatever neurons one has left is needed.

If we are all Americans, then we are all in playing for the team without hyphens, leaving the old country behind, or not make demands to all to bow to our original ethnicity, accommodate our unique ethnic needs or demands to be only represented by our own race or ethnicity. This is not a betrayal of the old country but acceptance of the new country as befitting a worthy adopted son or daughter. Still, the newcomers will have to work to earn the respect and acceptance of the natives, but anything one works hard for is something one truly wants and will cherish when it is achieved. Something they will proudly pass on to their descendants. For those who can accept this, I would welcome you.

Donald Cavaioli

Take That, You Naughty Americans! The Triumph of the Salty Copium Eaters! Cope Hard!

To the Lotus Eaters: Gentlemen, love the Podcast of the Lotus Eaters but in this particular podcast, you're making this far too easy for me to make japes at your expense at this display of mis-placed national pride. Presenting an argument with so many holes in it and with such selective framing and leaving out, at least to you, embarrassing historical details that would negate your entire thesis. To the point of rendering it a farcical display of cope with how your people completely blew your once great empire and are now forced to endure the indignity of living in America's shadow. So much so that perhaps this is just comedy as I did get a few good chuckles over it. But if you're serious, this is nothing less than a pitiful exercise in whining and blaming others for your mistakes. Embarrassing, gentlemen, poor show. So much so, that I'm embarrassed for you. But fear not, for after I've had my druthers in unsealing a tin of whup-ass upon you to let the punishment fit the crime all the while enjoying some innocent merriment at your expense, I shall be magnanimous afterwards because I really do like you guys.

Yes America did import black Africans as slaves mostly while British colonies though. Wasn't it from about 1607 to 1776? Versus 1776 to 1865? Or did we conveniently forget that trifling little factoid? I know: Oh but the British outlawed the international slave trade, my dear boy! Yes and after how long of running it? Doesn't matter as how the Empire had its come to Jesus moment in 1833 and so all is forgiven and forgotten. Hands washed clean and fingers firmly pointed at the Americans. Huzzah!

And for how long did Britain keep the workhouses going or should we not speak of it as perhaps being a form of slavery that lingered into the early 20th century or kinda sorta not because workers were indeed fairly compensated for their labour with food and lodgings? Well, that's besides the point, old boy! It doesn't count after all because it was almost all poor white people and we're talking about black African slavery here and the rotten mess you Americans made of racism. It's perfectly okay to enslave and mistreat one's own people but never those of BAME as that would be uncouth. And as the selective amnesia Brits set the rules, the Brits win again. Huzzah! The Nepenthe Eaters triumph!

But with open immigration being a uniquely American thing and that those rascal Yanks (why do you keep blaming baseball players?) foisted upon you, so when did the Windrush thing welcoming Jamaican blacks with open arms happen? After 1965 with the Hart-Celler Immigration act? Why no, old bean, it was in 1948! Like during the time you Brits were constantly scolding us on how mean we were to blacks and mostly closed to immigration since the 1920's. Why look at you in 1948, so inclusive! Or perhaps in the early 1960's making films in Arabic inviting Muslims to come to Britain because you were so tolerant. Unlike us Americans, of course. And when did you start importing South Asians and allowed them to live among their own in ethnic enclaves? Well the tea-eaters may have done open immigration and tolerance of non-European people of colour before the Americans but it's still all us bloody American's fault as why should you take the blame for your own mistakes. Huzzah! The Amnesia Eaters win because they said so! Victory is yours! *slow clap*

But now, gentlemen of the Lotus Eaters, being in a generous mood fed by my amusement at taking the mickey out of you, and I shan't get into why you had a mouse inside you in the first place, but I shall provide you with the least cringe inducing excuse for this current mess that is closest to the truth that still grants you a spectacular triumph in being right:

(Start with characteristic English harumph) "Now see here, old sock, well yes we did start all that poppycock about women in high office, honoring gay men, open immigration with multiculturalism, showing lady's boobs on the telly and our page 3 girl, and all that all the while wagging our finger at you backwards, puritanical Americans. Well, yes, we did turn a blind eye to noncery since the swinging 60's. But for God's sake, we never thought you'd be mad enough to do all those silly things! And then to export our foolishness back to us, oh the bloody cheek!

We never meant for you American louts to do any of the things we said you should do in the 60's through the 80's. Why, we were just doing our British superiority dance, old thing which is kind of a palias glide whilst doing pelvic thrusts in your general direction. Just to keep up appearances, stiff upper lip and maintain the delusion that the English are better than you Yanks so necessary for our sanity. [Interjection: Sorry boys, you'd have to win more than 27 World Series rings to get there.] What bloody fool would do what we Brits, much less the French or other Europeans told them to do, as at least since Dunkirk even a blind man could see what incompetents we are! And the other Europeans are worse than we and one would have to be a complete odious, burke to listen to them as you've done. For heaven's sake, we own goaled ourselves as we blew our empire to pieces so hard the damned ball went up our arses. I doubt you Americans can appreciate just how much finesse is required to bungle something on such an epic scale let alone get a football lodged in such awkward location whilst making it look like child's play. Pure talent that, sonny Jim.

And not to mention how we almost accidently started World War III over the Suez Canal incident, pretty well irradiated ourselves with that Windrush thing, wretched American gadgets, made a complete hash out of honey trapping a Soviet military attache which ended up in the Profumo affair. How daft can you people be to let us have nukes as you know we'll most likely blow ourselves up with them? And you lot were taking notes on our social criticisms. Have you learned nothing from when Tony Blair told you Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction hidden in his trousers and you to this day still take his slimy counsel as wisdom? What bloody lunatic listens to Tony Blair as even we have wits enough not to listen to him!

So you see, chaps, this really is all your fault as you twits took all our utter folly and nonsense seriously and made it a reality for yourselves as we had long ago done to ourselves. I mean socialism. Who would be stupid enough to try that? Besides us and the Europeans. Ah, you Americans, of course because we told you to. And as for our Lotus Eaters subtle snide remarks about Americans, we've earned, earned I say, this right, you see. Imagine the shame we had to endure to come begging, sorry, I mean manfully asking, for help against Hitler in a war we could perhaps have done a better job of not letting happen in the first place. Mind you, not that we couldn't have beaten him ourselves, sans lend-lease, the money, the spam, the weapons and whatnot even after leaving all our equipment in Dunkirk, because we would somehow by reasons and suchlike. But then you bounders take another bloody year to get in the war and afterwards expect us to pay back our loans when you know we're scint wastrels. Dash it all, you were over here, overpaid and oversexed, taking our birds and making us look underpaid and undersexed and to top it all off, under Eisenhower. Is it any wonder we Brits grouse endlessly about you Yanks? But remember, we still had one over on you cheeky Americans. We had George Formby and all you lot had was Glenn Miller, so HA! You shall never best us in in being gormless.

Imagine now how we feel when you Yank go about inventing the aeroplane, binary digital computers, the microprocessor, and other gadgets and put men on the moon when we Brits only had Lucas Electrics and are foxed by the coffee machine at Prete a Manger. But we here in the UK invented the Butlins so top that! Now how do you think we English feel when we, your mother country, the galaxy's oldest democracy, the older and more advanced civilization in debauchery and decadence have to live in your economic and technological shadow? And then to add insult to injury, you exceed us in debauchery and decadence. How could you! You could have at least left leadership in debauchery and decadence to your poor, old, mother country, you ungrateful scamps!

Now then, we Brits have indeed earned the right to grouse about Americans and make any assortment of snide remarks to make ourselves feel better about being second rate. So take that!"

As promised, I do hope this helps you cope in a better, more stylish way, gentlemen and of course, I shall remain at your disposal should you require further, discreet assistance in this matter.

Your Most Obedient Servant

Donald Cavaioli